Jessie Kirana opens up on WOODY FM about her path in the entertainment industry, life lessons from a beauty pageant stage where there is no crown to measure her, and the importance of being herself. She has been broken both physically and mentally, revealing her lowest point in life, dealing with mistakes, and overcoming failure.
When I saw Jesse’s face, I had to say, “Not sure yet?”
Jesse: After I said it, I thought back and realized that I shouldn’t have said it because every time I go somewhere, I’m still not sure.
It’s better to have a sentence to say in front of you than nothing at all.
Jesse: OK.
From that day until today, what are your life circumstances, what are your feelings, what have you seen that you can share and reflect on that you have learned in being Jesse today?
Jessie: I’m glad that I’m myself. I’ve always been myself, no matter what other people think. When I was younger, I should have cared more about feelings. But looking back, I’ve been myself in every version. When I was younger, I was confident and wanted to do it. When I grew up a bit, I started to get a little annoyed that people didn’t understand me. Then I had the opportunity to compete in a beauty pageant. I felt that people understood me more. But every step of the way, I was very much myself. There was never a time when other people told me to do this and I did it and then I thought that it wasn’t me. So it’s been a very real journey. It’s the journey of a child who wants to be like this, I want to do that, and I can really look back and do what I want to do.
There was never a moment when I felt that I wasn’t doing what I liked. But there are always people who look at me and disagree. I want to know for guidance, what makes you confident that I’m on the right path? How did I get through that?
Jessie: When I was a kid, I might have been stubborn and didn’t want to listen. Like when I was about to enter a channel, they said you had to be more proper, you couldn’t post swimsuit photos because I was 16-17 at the time, and in an international school it was normal. And they were like, you can’t do this because you can’t be a leading actress. So, okay, it’s fine. So I accepted that I might be stubborn and not do it. But when I grew up, I felt that I knew myself best.
I’m not sure that everything I do is right, but I know that right or wrong is something I learn from. So if I do something too much, that affects a lot of people, and it’s wrong, I learn from it. But if you don’t let me learn at all, and you guide me all the time, one day, if Jessie wasn’t in the industry or had a manager, people who love me this much, to warn me, I might have collapsed. So I’m just learning continuously. I feel that when I’m hurt, no one can hurt instead of me. When other people tell us something…
And if we follow it and it’s wrong, we can’t go back and blame him because we are the ones who chose to listen to him. So it’s not like I don’t listen to other people at all, but I will stick to what I feel might be right for me. It’s not like I will follow everyone’s journey or every actress is different. But if you want me to mold it like that, I probably can’t because the feeling is not right.
Connecting a child who is about 10 years old with the woman sitting here, is there still a connection between the likes?
Jessie: I think so. There’s still a bit of uncertainty. Proud of what we did, but not proud of everything. But looking back, it’s okay for Jessie. The child in me is probably proud. Our family is okay. My friends are probably okay. So just be true to yourself.
Being yourself for 10-20 years, isn’t that an achievement?
Jessie: I am very independent. I feel lucky that I can still be myself and still make a living. Because not everyone can be themselves and still make money. Sometimes you don’t have to pretend but work. One person may have multiple personalities. Some people may have to work very hard and have a hard-working personality in order to survive and make money. But I consider Jessie lucky that Thai society or customers see this person as valuable in their own way. I am really lucky and grateful. I can’t be myself all the time. I don’t think like that. But I feel like I want to be strict with the important part and the important part is being myself. But if other people come to warn me, I will listen. But they will respect me that Jessie is like this.
During the time when there was a lot of pressure, would you apply? Would you continue? What are your feelings about this that people might not know about what you have to face?
Jessie: Actually, I feel lucky and thankful that people still care because in this industry, there will always be beautiful and talented people coming in every day. And sometimes it’s tiring for Jessie to try to keep people interested. Jessie thinks that the images in various competitions are really beautiful from the outside looking in, but from the people who compete, it’s not as beautiful as they think. It was a good experience and Jessie learned a lot from this experience. So I think that the voices of outsiders, both good and bad, are aware.
But just the end of what I know, I won’t take it to heart. I think he doesn’t know how we went through it. When I was really down or when I was sick the last time I had to have back surgery, Jesse remembers that there were less than 10 visitors at the hospital, but there were millions of people following us. And people wanted to cheer for this and that. But when I was sick, I understand that it’s human nature that he doesn’t know because he doesn’t get hurt like us. But Jesse thinks that physical and mental health are the most important things in everything. For you to be successful, it’s not just about being famous or having money. But Jesse’s success is being able to sleep, being happy, having enough money to do what you want to do, being able to eat everything, and having parents happy. Jesse is a good person to those around him. And having those around him is success, not having a crown.
It doesn’t have to be anything more than that. Jessie understands that giving is a good thing, like we get a crown, we do good to everyone, or people around us are proud of us. But that’s not the highest thing Jessie is. It’s something Jessie would be proud of one day if we get that. Very proud, proud to give to the country because we are representatives. But it doesn’t mean that you are successful in this life if you have a good job or money or a crown. So I think I understand people outside who are into various trends and want Jessie to compete. Thank you very much. Thank you for seeing my potential. But we have to see if it’s worth the price we have to pay. Everything has to be paid. Jessie thinks that everything in life has to be paid. It’s not like doing something and getting a crown. It’s not something bad or good, but it depends on the person whether they are willing to pay anything for something. And right now, my body is not in good shape and I’ve had a broken back before, so I won’t pay anything. But it doesn’t mean that I won’t do anything in the future. But not right now. But listen to everything. It depends on each person whether it’s worth it or not, in everything.
What happened when you had back problems? How are you doing now?
Jessie: My back is broken, Woody. I don’t know what caused it, but Jessie has been a ballet dancer since she was a child, right? Then I found out that I have scoliosis, which means my back has an abnormal arch, but I didn’t think much of it. Then I went to a competition and people often complimented me on how Jessie used to walk with her legs straight. But the doctor said that walking with her legs straight is putting pressure on your back, which is already broken. People who don’t have broken backs might not have this problem, but it is putting pressure on a point where it is already deteriorating. And doing that every day, not taking care of yourself, not eating enough, not getting enough sleep, doing a lot of things, it is putting pressure on the nerves, causing the spine to move and put pressure on the nerves.
My feet were numb and my back didn’t hurt at that time. I was confused about why my feet were numb. I thought it was from the high heels, so I went to see many doctors. Then I met one who said it would be better to get an MRI. At that time, I was very scared because I was allergic at that time. I was annoyed because I had always been allergic to everything. I was allergic to anything. I was confused about why people said I was good, but I was allergic to everything. I never won any awards. I lost in beauty pageants even though my scores were good and the trend was good. But it’s not like I should have won. I understand. But when it happened a lot, I just became annoyed. I really tried my best. I’m the best at everything.
Until people said it was a lot, but okay, I like to be a lot. I do it with my heart. No one will say that I’m lazy or not giving it my all. I want a lot. I’d like to thank you for saying that a lot is good enough. So I was really annoyed and had the surgery. It was 2-3 days after I found out that my back was broken, I had the surgery. At that time, I had a burden with contracts, I couldn’t work, where would I get money to pay them? My back was broken. Instead of having work after the contest, you saw other people competing. You were in the hospital, you couldn’t work. In terms of mentality, I was at my worst in my life. I didn’t think that the surgery would affect my mind this much. I felt that after the surgery, I practiced walking for a while, Jessie would not be the same anymore. So I had a way out. Jessie started doing live broadcasts. So it was a cute moment.
What do you do?
Jessie : After eating and taking a shower, it was time to be alone in the bedroom. At first, I didn’t know what would happen. There were memes. I just did a live because I couldn’t go to work. It was also a time when Jessie’s fandom from the contest might be worried about me. But I didn’t have any work for them. Jessie felt guilty. I couldn’t go out, couldn’t wear high heels for them to see, couldn’t walk for them to see. Even though these are people who support Jessie, so I did a live. At least we could talk. We talked there and it turned into something good. At first, some people were against it, saying not to do a live too much. It seemed expensive or something like that. Because I’m not an influencer or anything like that. But Jessie thinks that it’s up to each person to do it. You can’t follow a pattern. Doing this is good, but not good. Jessie believes in this too. Jessie would do a live because 1. I didn’t have anything to do. Because I was sick. 2. I didn’t have any friends to talk to at home. So I did a live. I thought it didn’t do any harm. So it turned into something good from me indulging myself.
What do you think is the good thing about not winning?
Jessie: Learning what failure is, dealing with failure at a young age, makes us understand what disappointment is, and also understand ourselves, who you are. When you encounter disappointment, how do you deal with it? You don’t always have everything or it’s always easy. And then one day, when you encounter something disappointing, my body doesn’t know what to do. So one thing that I have gained and am very grateful for is that I understand myself, know what my personality is like, when I’m annoyed, when I lose, what my personality is like, and what my body needs at that time.
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