The WandOland program reveals a previously unseen side of “Top Jirayus,” CEO of Bitkub. He admits that behind his success lies the loneliness of a leader who must be a source of support for those around him, but on days when he’s exhausted, he doesn’t know who to turn to. Meanwhile, “Beam Walancharat” opens up about a time when she devoted herself to supporting her partner, almost neglecting her own dreams. The couple gradually learned how to maintain their relationship, even going so far as to participate in workshops to grow together, leading to their 8-year relationship where they still cherish each other every day.
Where did they first meet?
Beam: We first met at an event where he was giving a talk, near the Erawan Hotel. I was interested in crypto investment, as it was very new at the time, and I like learning new things, so I went to listen and that’s how I met him.
Top: This was when I first launched Bitkub.
Beam: It had just opened. I don’t think he introduced himself as the Founder of Bitkub, which he’d been doing for 7-8 years. When I saw him, he was a good speaker and seemed like a smart person, but at that time I wanted to study in England. He introduced himself, saying he graduated from here, and I was one of the people who lined up to ask questions, but I told him I wasn’t asking about Bitcoin because I wanted to know about further studies, since I had just graduated with a bachelor’s degree.
Top: I’ve spoken at many events, and everyone only asked about what I talked about. I spoke for two or three hours about Blockchain, and there was only one person who asked about something unrelated to what I discussed. He was somewhere else, and after everyone else had finished asking questions, he suddenly appeared and asked about further studies. I remember it vividly; he was the only one who didn’t ask anything related to what I talked about. When I first met him, he seemed nice. What he said was that he wanted to continue his studies. We have this file; I put a lot of effort into creating my personal statement when I applied to Oxford. It required a reference letter and a personal statement, and I still have that file. I thought, since I graduated a while ago and don’t need it anymore, I should send it to him. My approach is to send it to everyone who wants to pursue further studies, to help them because I don’t use it myself. So, my first thought was, since I have that file, I wanted to send it to him as an example.
Beam: But for me, the first moment was fear. Because when I went to talk to him, I wasn’t thinking about anything. I just wanted some tips on how to get there. But the first thing he asked was, with a completely straight face, “What’s your GPA?” I thought maybe I shouldn’t ask. At that point, I didn’t want to talk anymore. I didn’t want to tell him who I was. My legs froze, but I couldn’t back down.
Top: We asked if they were going to apply to this university, and if so, they needed good grades and how they should prepare.
Beam: In the end, we backed down. We’ll try asking other seniors for tips instead.
Top: At that time, I had already asked for his contact information before he backed out. I asked for it so I could send him my personal statement. Beyond that, there was an older student I studied with at Oxford who graduated in Economics from Chulalongkorn University. I was studying Economics, and I thought that since I wasn’t very familiar with the Thai system, someone who could really give me better advice might be another Thai student. So, I arranged to create a group to connect us. But Beam disappeared completely; he didn’t reply. We wondered what happened. Why would we lose face after I’d arranged it? Beam was in the group but he wasn’t responding. So, we had to follow up to find out what happened and why he disappeared. That’s how we ended up contacting each other after that.
Beam: After a while, he found my contact information and contacted me. It was about a month later. From what we gathered, this person seemed very nice. It’s like he still remembered me and even connected me to the group. But at that time, I was a little scared, so I didn’t reply for a while. But when I saw that he had created a group, I joined and replied. Then he seemed to follow up on the matter regularly. I felt like he was a good person.
Top: The first moment we clicked was when I took her to see the office. Back then, Bitkub’s office was very small; it was when the company was just starting out. After that, we went out for dinner. That was the moment we really talked, not through online means, it was face-to-face. Sometimes, chemistry can’t be conveyed through text alone. When you actually talk to someone, you feel like you click. That moment was when we met face-to-face, had a real meal together.
Did Som Tum with Crab and Fermented Fish Sauce leave a lasting impression?
Top: Our first memorable moment was that we both love papaya salad with fermented fish sauce, and we like it with lots of chilies. Neither of us looks like someone who likes spicy food.
Beam: At first, I didn’t think that someone with a background living abroad for so long would like eating papaya salad with fermented fish sauce like me. Which I also like, and I even won the spicy food eating competition!
What does Top see in Beam?
Top: He’s very self-sacrificing because he’s a defender, right? Whenever I set a goal, he has to sacrifice his former self to adapt to me. For example, our eating habits. We don’t eat carbs, sugar, or spicy food like papaya salad with fermented fish sauce. Our initial connection was because we both liked chili peppers. But after 7-8 years, neither of us eats that much chili or papaya salad with fermented fish sauce anymore, yet we still get along. It’s like our initial attraction was the first time we met; we’ve both grown up to be together. When I set a goal, he’s the one who has to change everything about himself. Even now, he hasn’t gone to study abroad yet. When we first met, he intended to study, but now he’s supporting me instead. His life goal is to study overseas someday, but he hasn’t gone yet.
Beam: I still want to pursue further studies. I’m thinking that if I see that things are becoming more stable ahead, and we’re building a team behind us, with 10 secretaries now, and the system is becoming more stable, then I’ll look for opportunities. Because for me, I want to grow continuously in every aspect.
What are your goals for the relationship to continue?
Beam: Actually, there are a lot of things. I try to reflect on my own thoughts and talk to him about it constantly. If we still need to support each other in a moment, we’ll do our best. But we also talk to him about how I feel we need to better balance my relationship with myself and with P’Top. Because there’s a point where, if you compare it to circles, P’Top’s circle and my circle, and we’re constantly supporting him, there comes a period where it feels like it’s too much, the circles completely overlap. It sometimes causes our relationship with ourselves or our goals to disappear at certain times. So I told him that I want to do these things, 1, 2, 3, 4, so that ultimately, the relationship between me and myself is the best it can be. And I believe that in everyone’s relationships, if your relationship with yourself is good and your mental health is at its best, the relationships with others will be even better and more mutually reinforcing. But if there’s ever an imbalance, it might make it difficult to fully support him anymore. There have been times like that before.
Top: We actually have sessions like this. They’ve booked my time specifically for a “Workshop” between me and them, even though being together might involve the subconscious. We need a moment of conscious awareness to design and schedule a specific time to talk about everything, open up, and share our life goals.
In what aspect of your life do you feel we might not be good enough yet in this relationship?
Top: I’m a very reserved person. I don’t show much emotion; my default expression is calm. He doesn’t see any of my “love language.” I’m not expressive at all. I think the thing I’m not good at is everything. I’m still confused because if I hadn’t met him, who accepted me, I think it would have been very difficult for others to get along with me. For the first 5-6 years, when I was very busy, there were no Valentine’s Dinners, Christmas Dinners, or Birthday Dinners. We didn’t go on any trips; it was all work. I never bought him anything until the first thing I bought him – an Apple Watch. Everything related to productivity is KPIs; there’s no such thing as non-KPI time, only KPIs. Once you stick to KPIs, it becomes a continuous flow, then you set a new ceiling. It’s never enough. It’s a continuous flow, then a new ceiling.
We often overlook the gap between continuous flow and a ceiling. Do we enjoy the journey itself? What I want to tell myself is, we need to accept the pain. We forget about that. It’s about living in the process, not just focusing on the final goal. It’s about enjoying the process. Like exercising, everyone wants a great body, to show off their physique, toned abs, but it’s about enjoying the process, realizing who you truly are. You want to be health-conscious, to exercise regularly. It’s not about the ultimate goal. I’m trying to change that. In relationships, we used to focus on achieving specific goals, becoming KPIs. But life should include time outside of KPIs, time where we can enjoy ourselves, let it be, without expecting anything in return. We should enjoy the process of life. This is what I’m trying to change, not just in relationships, but in everything in life. It’s good to aim for goals, but once we reach them, there’s always a new goal. So, don’t forget to enjoy the journey in everything you do.
Beam: Let me add something. Mine is similar to what I’ve observed about Top. I once warned him that seven years ago, he found happiness much more easily. He used to find joy in small things. But now, everything has to be perfect, and things just keep going. And now he’s focusing more on his health and everything around him. So I told him, okay, it’s fine to set better goals, but don’t forget to enjoy them. Because mental health goes hand-in-hand with physical health; mental health is more important than physical health. I told him that if our mental health is good, if we’re not stressed or overly tense, we’ll have the energy to improve our physical health, and it will show naturally in our bodies.
What do you think your partner secretly harbors a fear they rarely express?
Beam: Maybe he’s afraid something might happen to me because he’s a very anxious person; he’s extremely worried. He doesn’t let me do much, like coming home late or being somewhere else. Normally, he doesn’t talk to me much or keep track of me, but if he sees that it’s late, or that I’m going somewhere dangerous, he’ll say, “Don’t go there,” or “Don’t ride a motorcycle.” He’s especially concerned about my safety. Beam thinks he might be afraid something might happen to me.
Top: This question reflects the care and strength of their relationship, which you can really feel when you hear it.
Beam: Okay, one more thing. If it were him, I think he’d be afraid of not being able to handle it, afraid of not being good enough, because his focus is on solving problems for everyone. He feels he has to be a reliable support for everyone around him. In his true inner strength, I think he must be exhausted, but he has to project an image of leadership, whether it’s at work, in his family, or in our personal lives. I really feel like he’s carrying a heavy burden inside, but he wants to show that he can do it.
Top: Yes, I think it’s a different kind of loneliness, not the kind where you don’t see people. It’s a loneliness that I think no one has shared yet. It’s the same level of psychological wound. Like us, where we’re the leader in everything. Everyone around us depends on us. A company with 1,000 people, our family, our real family – we’re the leader of the relationships. On their side, we can’t be anything. Everyone depends on us. It’s a different kind of loneliness. And what about our hearts? Who is there to rely on? And when serious problems keep coming up, I think no one understands the psychological wound that accumulates as a leader. It’s another kind of loneliness. And he’s right that we worry too much, forbidding this and that, saying it’s dangerous. Maybe we’re overreacting, but it’s like he’s acting like a calf that’s not afraid of a tiger.
Top: And Beam was the one who spoke up. He was really scared. He was afraid that I wouldn’t love him, afraid that I wouldn’t give him enough time, afraid that I wouldn’t pay attention to him. He kept asking, “Do you love me?”
Beam: No, it’s because he doesn’t say anything. He never told us, so we had to ask.
After an argument, what are the moments or signs that let you know you’re still on the same team?
Beam: I would tell him that it’s okay to have different opinions when we argue, but ultimately, we both want to improve. Arguing isn’t bad, but if we understand each other better and are both willing to adjust, the relationship will last a long time. I try to tell him that it’s not that I’m a bad person, but we just need to talk things through slowly so we can understand each other more. As we understand each other better, we can adjust to each other more, and things will keep getting better. I always tell him to reach out. Sometimes I want him to calm down first because I know that if we both talk emotionally, it won’t work. Sometimes we take a break to let each other cool down before talking again, but ultimately, I try to adjust and compromise as quickly as possible, otherwise, the conflict will drag on for days.
Top: It’s very rare that we stay together, and most of the time they’re the ones who apologize. Very quickly, in a flash. We’re definitely on the same team. They’re here in no time. They’re always the ones who apologize. Once they apologize and things calm down, we talk. It’s clear then.
